??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
