Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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