Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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