Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
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