i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
