I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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