i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Randomize
