he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
