I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
