wrigley field is MILF paradise
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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