I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just gargled with NyQuil
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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