If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
