Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
