he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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