Michael Bay diarrhea
Why is your signature on my underwear?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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