Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
