I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
