If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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