I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Who died my cat blue again?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
