If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
