Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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