OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Bring me that man meat
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
