Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
