A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
