This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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