Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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