Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
oh god the rape fog is back!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
