I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
