haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
