I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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