Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
