I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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