you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
