I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
