I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
