No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
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i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
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Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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