Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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