i think i have two assholes
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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