What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
