I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
