Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
