Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
