I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
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