my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
