On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
