So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
