Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
