True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
