I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
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