im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
