that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
This is my gift to your gina
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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