i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
