im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
