i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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