Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
