I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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